I’m sitting
on the porch and it’s cold but it’s fabulous; the air hangs with heavy fog, much
like I have experienced my mind to be of late, and the light shines on my pad
like a guide to my erratic thought patterns that are slowly becoming manageable.
Of recent
times I have found myself incredibly angry, disappointed, frustrated and, to be
honest, venomous toward others who I feel have lacked compassion, care and
love; not only toward me but toward someone else I care deeply about. This morning I feel as if I have spewed up
all that is dark from within and the lightness is incredible. Now before you start thinking I have “seen
the light” and become all forgiving and accepting, it was more a “why should I
give a fuck about you” kind of moment.
Like an
eraser on a blackboard, or a landlord serving a summons on bad tenants, I choose
to wipe them out of my days and nights for there is much my mind needs to
concentrate on and they are not worthy of encroaching into that precious space.
Duty – four little
letters that can cause utter chaos and havoc in a loving kind heart; a feeling
that you must always do the right thing by all and sundry. Well I think duty, when it comes to your inner circle, should be defined in terms
of reciprocation, devotion, compassion and honesty. If someone has not shown any of these traits
toward you, regardless of relationship, do you owe them a duty of care? I don’t
think so. You see, I thought – or should
say felt – you did and it was eating me up like a tiger from inside out because I could feel no respect.
So as I lived by my values and my beliefs, I was trying to assimilate
their lack of values into my system and still care; it doesn’t work, it turns
black like venom and it changes you against your will and, instead of achieving
what you were aiming for, you turn into someone else ... someone like them.
I am always
reading that it is not someone’s actions but your reactions to their actions
that matter. Now there is no doubting this is true but you would have to be a
cold hard bitch for some things to not upset you or get the better of you at
times. Are we supposed to be robots, devoid
of emotion? The
interesting thing is that lack of action can be just as devastating; cold hard
nothingness, complete lack of care. Now
if this didn’t bother me or upset me, then I have just become that cold hard
nothingness that doesn’t care. So I
choose to FEEL my reactions to their action, or lack thereof, BUT then I choose
to throw it away like the garbage it is and move on. And I will tell you something else I am
finding strangely amusing this morning…
... those in question are often the fucking gurus preaching about not reacting – so now it all makes sense.
And by the way, why would I want to take advice from someone who
lacks compassion when it matters, who lacks the heart to love and forgive but
preaches to others how they should? Oh, fuck off.
I am a lover
of words and I am a great believer in their power; I find people that use words
as a shallow tool to alleviate their own conscience despicable. My mind wandered to the different types of
people that inhabit our existence – there are those that could help others but
don’t; there are those that cannot afford to help others but do; there are all
sorts inbetween and we each have the right to choose which category we fall
into and we each have the right to not respect others’ choices. Do we have to
forgive those that have hurt us or lack care? Maybe, I am still debating that;
but if we do, it is for ourselves rather than for them, because they wouldn’t
care anyway in reality. Do we have to
like others’ choices? No, we don’t. Do we
owe them a duty of care? No.
So there you
have it, I don’t have to wear “Goody two shoes” any longer; they no longer fit
or feel comfortable. Slipping on my more
comfortable apparel, I accept that I am totally alone and I am okay with that. I believe the Universe will protect me, she
has done a damn good job so far. The door is open ...
© Dianne
Traynor 11 June 2012
Namaste Dianne. You are correct. Being "Goody Two Shoes" can leave us open to exploitation. I'm glad you've got that off your chest & can now hopefully quickly regain your balance. One meaning I have heard of "Namaste" is "I adore all the Godly qualities in you". That works for me, even with the people who take advantage. As for Gurus, beware anyone who calls themselves a Guru. And remember the definition of "expert" - x is an unknown quantity & spurt is a drip under pressure. Hari Om. Michael
ReplyDeleteMy balance is never in question Michael, my writing merely expression. I am glad you see godly qualities in people who take advantage; I will agree to disagree with you on that score. On the matter of life, emotions and the human condition I do not believe there is any such thing as an expert for we are all unique and experience things in our own way.
ReplyDeleteFor the purpose of my blog (although different interpretation in different cultures) Namaste is a non-contact form of respectful greeting which can be used universally while meeting a person of different gender, age or social status. No more, no less.
Thank you for reading and for commenting Michael :) Dianne