I
often say “I am alone but not lonely; and I would rather be alone than lonely
within a relationship.” Although I stand
by this statement, there are events that occur, or simply days, when your mind
takes a turn and wanders down the laneway of loneliness. I find it is at these times that you will
feel like an outdoor cinematic feature is taking place in your head.
A
thousand memories flash past, the highlights of upcoming attractions, before it all stops on the feature film and lands squarely on the face
of the leading man. You will see a look that is so burned into your cells, that
soft loving look that filled you with possibility and hope. Abruptly, the film skips as if to ward off the
booing crowd for they (unlike you) know it was just a sham.
Your
mind happily skates over the memories that simply don’t serve the atmosphere of
love’s loneliness laneway to a time when he touched your shoulder and you felt
like you were the only girl he had ever touched with such tenderness; to a kiss
so deep you could see the beauty of every sea species as you sat cross legged
on the ocean floor surrounded by swaying coral; to a time when he made love to
you and the world stood still – no yesterday, no tomorrow – and you rode a
white stallion of light to a different plane of existence.
Suddenly
your stomach cramps with hunger to feel it all again in this world, on this day…
One
short step and the credits roll; your name is not amongst the cast. Reality reminds you that you did not make the
final cut for the role of leading lady, and a tear navigates its way over the
curvatures of your face to drop like a petal amidst the leaves shuffling their
way along the lane, like uninvited travelling companions. So
you stop for a moment, pick up a pen, think of him and write…
"He is an enigma, intoxicating, like a fine
wine; every drop to be savoured, and you can feel him as you read by the warm
fire in your candlelit room"
Knowing
he will never leave your heart, you close your pad, pick yourself up, turn your
gentle amble into a trot, then a gallop making your way to the barely visible
end of the laneway and decide which way to turn next.
©
Dianne Traynor 2 June 2012
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