They say you can’t fall out of love; that if you do, you
never really loved that person in the first place. I wonder, perhaps it is not
that you fell out of love; perhaps it is that your heart protects you from
continuing to endure the pain of a love that is not returned, or at least not
returned at a level that makes you feel loved.
You give and you give and you give. You hurt and you hurt and you hurt. You laugh
and you love and you hope. But there is always a niggling, an itch that can’t
be scratched, a little voice desperately trying to be heard. And then one day something happens and you
simply can’t take the itch anymore. Is
this when the heart decides it is going to protect you from yourself? Draw the
love deep down into the recesses and overlap it like a invisible blanket
allowing you to begin living; to give the eyes rest from tears; to give the
mind time to think of other things; to allow sleep to return; to remind you to
love yourself instead of spending all your precious energy wishing for
something that simply cannot be.
It would seem we can fall so deeply in love with someone
that we see them for who we want them to be; for perhaps who we first imagined
them to be and we make such huge allowances for when they disappoint,
continually excusing what we would not accept from ourselves. And if they criticise us, the cuts run so
deep that your heart actually feels like it is bleeding internally; sometimes
we vomit, sometimes we sink into depression, sometimes we just continue to
berate ourselves for being so useless.
Is this love? Is love meant to be easy? I wonder. Has anything I have ever truly achieved come
easily? Or is it that the pursuit of love is difficult, rather than that
particular individual who left you feeling less, empty, devoid of hope. Then again, is it them that left you feeling
that way? Or is it the expectations of your dreams that you deflect upon
another and it is what bounces back that disappoints?
Another saying I often hear is that a person’s actions
cannot hurt you; it is your reaction to their action that matters. Hhhmmm, if I place a wishing veil upon this
person then surely it is I that is setting up the hurt for myself … curious. So
is the answer just to sit back? Do nothing? Wait?
It would seem that we cast our blanket of hopes out into the
dating world embroidered with desires of shared values, beliefs, hopefully
dreams and passionate pursuits and all that keeps coming to mind for me are the
words “Like shit sticks to a blanket”. Oh
dear, time to fold up that blanket and put it away. I have decided that no
expectations is the way to go; follow my own dreams of passionate pursuit, get
heavily involved in what makes me feel good about myself whether it be a walk
around the river, a swim at the gym, writing on the porch or watching some
inane movie that makes me laugh until tears run down my face.
Is there a “he” out there for me? There very well may not
be. But if there is, then I figure it’s time that he did some blanket throwing
and I decide whether I want to take it for a spin or just merely sit back and
watch it fly overhead.
I want love in my life but I want life in my love more.
© Dianne Traynor
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