Sometimes even a right turn can go wrong

Sitting under an umbrella enjoying a fabulous steaming black coffee and a delicious slice, I watched the cars travelling by - some with purpose, some annoying the other drivers as they crawled along at a snail’s pace looking for a park – and my mind drifted back to my marriage. 

 

Divorced before our girl turned one, some nineteen years ago now, I will never regret my marriage.  We have the most beautiful daughter and I believe we truly loved each other, with good reason I might add; we made a good team.  I smile as I think back to the little notes my husband would leave me; to how we met; to the laughter we shared and the fun we had; to working together; to the ridiculous days of backyard cricket and hiding the dog in the wash basket; to the way we planned our wedding. 

We chose to have our wedding on a Thursday night with only family and extremely close friends; the ceremony held at a beautiful historical manor with a pianist playing Unchained Melody as we walked down the sweeping staircase together; we honeymooned interstate for the weekend and then to all our other friends we sent out invitations to our Engagement Party a week later.  During the night we presented the Wedding Cake and shared with everyone that we were, in fact, already married.  It was a cool way to do things and the memories are good ones to hold onto.

We were very similar in a lot of ways; one trait our girl holds us accountable for is our firey tempers, of course we both deny having them! Ha ha ha Our girl often says  “What hope did I have!?! C’mon on!” Ha ha ha  We were both intelligent, a bit quirky, liked to work hard and play harder.  When we had our gorgeous baby girl things changed, maybe we weren’t ready; more likely I have come to believe we both let our respective mothers interfere.  Unfortunately I became very sick about the six month mark and it was a long haul through to the birth, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat! I wasn’t coping, he wasn’t coping and we had voices in our ears. By the time I was finally able to leave the hospital and come home, there was a crack in our armour although I am not sure that either of us was prepared to admit it.

For me, the first six months of motherhood were horrid, I had not a clue what I was doing; I didn’t know who I was; I felt totally lost and disorganised and I called on my Mum a lot for help.  If I had my time over I would do it so very differently; not that Mum wasn’t wonderful – she was – but on reflection, it should have been OUR time as a family and I should have turned to my husband more. As for his mother, well she caused more than a few arguments between us.  I remember asking him to talk to her but, for whatever reason, he couldn’t.  Now I am not saying that either mother deliberately interfered, they were excited too.  What I have come to believe is that neither of us leaned on each other enough. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown, I don’t know; what I do know is we let others’ voices into our heads instead of only listening to each other.

When our girl was about eight months old my husband told me he wanted to end the marriage.  I was hormonal, angry and devastated. I recall driving to work and I would cry all the way there and all the way home, every day.  The bank I was managing was in a shopping complex and as music played over the system, I would dread hearing Unchained Melody.  Murphy’s Law it seemed to be played repeatedly and I would have to excuse myself to the bathrooms where tears would flow like a river trying to find its way home.  

So life went on, I took a new position and moved to the Peninsula.  He was not happy that we had moved from the City and we could never seem to talk through things without getting into an argument.  At the time I simply thought he was being an ass; thinking back I wonder if he was merely hurting as much as I was.  Anyway, our divorce was finalised and that was that.  How I wish it could have been different, especially for our girl.

Although many hurtful things have been said and done over the years, I am grateful that my girl has two beautiful sisters from his second marriage and a sense of family. We didn’t see much of them once we  moved to the country but now our girl lives in the city and they are making up for lost time. Father and daughter have formed a strong and loving bond for which I am eternally grateful. I miss my girl terribly but I feel absolutely blessed that she has her father to support, encourage and guide her.  A huge thank you wings his way.

When my girl was home for the weekend recently, we shared wonderful memories going through old photo albums of her father and I ... before our marriage, during our marriage, with our girl; we laughed and laughed at some of the ridiculous happy snaps.  She copied some of the photos onto her mobile phone and text her father; I am sure he must wonder why I would have kept these photographs but I am so very glad I did. Our girl now knows with complete certainty that there was a time when her Mum and Dad truly loved each other, were very happy and that she was born of love and is our greatest gift.

My marriage was most definitely a right turn, it just took a wrong turn along the way.

To our girl I say “I loved your father very much and in a lot of ways, I always will”

To my ex husband “Thank you for our beautiful daughter and for the treasured memories”

© Dianne Traynor