A groovy twist and a happy turn...

In the last few days, a couple of things have made me stop and think there’s more to this whole instincts gig than meets the eye.

One is a saying I came across:

“You know the Truth, you hear the lie”

Bang! Boom! Rattle and Roll... a thousand thoughts raced through my  mind, swirled round my head, re-entered as I gasped at how simple yet profound these few words are; I could feel the paddle bouncing on and off the side of my head… YES! YES! YES!  How many times has instinct clearly shone the truth on a situation for me whether it is in a relationship sense – romantic and/or friendship – in a family situation, at work, in life? And how many times has the voice in my head, fed by my desire for a different outcome, let me hear the lie?

Overcome with her newfound sense of power, instinct decided it was time to take more risks and guided me to pick up my mobile on a whim and call – out of the blue – someone I had known for about four years via the internet but was yet to meet face to face.  Colour Me Happy, a connection was made and nothing short of a “Groovy Baby” day was to follow... oh instinct was on a roll!! Ha ha ha Now please don’t read any romantic notions into this, for that is definitely not the case.  Without doubt, this guy is hot – and I mean smokin’ hot! – but he leads probably the exact opposite lifestyle to my own.  That said, I have decided to think of him as my own personal Rock n Roll Angel.  Over the years we have shared many many conversations, some ridiculous, some meaningful, some sober, most not! Ha ha ha 

I can’t help but start laughing as I remember a night on Skype when he had a broken leg and was rolling himself around in a wheelchair.  Unsure of how much wine he has consumed this particular evening, it was a night of hilarious quips and idiotic scenarios between my girl, myself and the wheelchair rockstar! Ha ha ha Excusing himself to roll off to the bathroom I recall hearing this massive crash and “Fffffuuuuccckkkk”! ha ha ha *tears*  Never to be defeated, he continued to banter on! What a Legend! Ha ha ha

Oh there’s lots more stories but in the name of friendship and loyalty, they remain between us; suffice to say his adventures have made me laugh to the point of belly ache with tears streaming down my face.  I couldn’t help but wonder as I drove myself there would he be different, or would he be the same as his multitude of awesome photoshopped pictures, would there be awkward silence?  Well let me tell you, within a couple of minutes I felt like all our internet and telephone conversations had been in person.  He is exactly who he portrays himself to be; capable of intelligent and meaningful conversation yet sliding into the most trite and ridiculous stories that just had me feeling “shiny and new”.  How refreshing!  A half hour coffee arrangement turned into several hours of fun and frivolity, with a nice dose of honesty and sincerity thrown into the mix.  What a fantastic turnaround to a shabby start to my day!

For the first time in a VERY long time I knew I could still have fun with a gorgeous man with no pressure.  Top that off with the fact that I was feeling completely grungy in my shorts, Elvis T-shirt, no time to “coiff” and runners, I was made feel attractive, interesting and on the same page. Rock n Roll Angel, you have been the best day of 2012!

So the upshot of this ramble is that instinct was once again brilliant in her guidance and now has my full attention!

ROCK ON!!!

© Dianne Traynor

Head Spin

Constant chatter, groups of people standing on the path trying to decide between this coffee shop and the one across the road, a high pitched natter of a teenage girl trying to impress her Nanna, parents oblivious to their baby playing with its food in a highchair, waiters and waitresses bustling back and forth, a long black coffee, my pad and pen, a gentle breeze and the realisation that this is where I feel most at home.  Alone with my thoughts but surrounded by strangers. Perhaps I am a little odd after all.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of others and chatting about all and sundry but when the mind feels like it is in overload and needs to escape itself; well, there is nothing quite like a walk around the river, taking photographs, followed by being anonymous in a crowd of people and lost in thought.

As I made my way through the gum trees, passing couples walking their dogs, canoeists rowing on the lake, a man reading the paper with his worldly possessions in a shopping trolley, I found myself wondering why I get so “wound up” over things I cannot change.  I decided to ask myself the seemingly easy, but honestly quite difficult, question “What do I want?”

Applying the KISS principle, I came up with some fairly simple answers:

·         I want to be healthy

·         I want to appreciate daily

·         I want to write for a living

·         I want to laugh every day

·         I want to contribute to making someone’s day a little brighter

Blow me down with a feather when it hit me that I had not thought to write “I want to be out of debt” for this seems to be a constant source of angst for me.  Why was that? The next realisation as I looked over my list was no mention of a partner – my eyebrows raised in curiosity! So addendum:

I would dearly love to find that one person who resonates with me and accepts me; just as I am – quirks, foibles and all

The biggest realisation of all! I have actually met most of these wants! Surely the rest are possible.

Is it all up to me and the choices I make? Is it as simple as to stop listening to the inner voices of self criticism and doubt? Or is more about the ability to stop caring so much about how others see me or would think of me? When did others become the judge and jury of my life? Oh headspin!

So just as I had to push myself to go that extra kilometre this morning, I have decided to push my inner self to discard the noise and open myself up to who I am and who I want to be; I like her! If she would only stay a while.

“It’s a New Dawn – It’s a New Day – It’s a New Life – for me”  Muse

© Dianne Traynor  29 May 2012

FOOTNOTE: As I ambled the last kilometre or so home from the coffee shop, I heard “plop” as a bird shit on me… I have decided to take this a sign of Good Luck (Isn’t that what they say?)… A Universal Seal of Approval if you like; albeit a rather embarrassing one as I seemed to pass an unusually high number of people in the shortest distance! Ssshhheessshh!  My Badge of Honour... Bird Shit... well, there you do go! Ha ha ha

Sex and the turnaround

Monday morning and I find myself at one of my favourite cafes pondering a new era. The aroma of my breakfast being cooked wafts by as I watch a gentleman on his mobile phone oblivious to my enquiring stare.  It makes me think how times have changed since I was a girl.  Back then (in the dark ages my girl would say!) we made arrangements to meet friends; we were there when we said we would be, no ability to blow someone off at the last minute via text message.  Life seemed easier, more sincere; communication was more meaningful and face to face rather than text to text.

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology and would feel completely lost without it.  The internet has given me vast opportunities that would otherwise have been unavailable to me.  I have made amazing friends, both local and international; I have studied courses I would not have been able to attend; renewed contact with long lost friends that I would not have been able to find; heard music that I would not have heard; pursued creative endeavour; and … *drum roll* …

Entered the realm of Dating Sites! DAH DAH DAH

Now this is where the whole sex and the turnaround debate comes in.  With everything so available at the click of a button, and just as easily deleted, has sex become a disposable commodity as well?

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in some sort of time warp; still walking across the oval, over the railway tracks, iceskates in hand, excited to see the boy of my dreams.  Sex was not what I was thinking about, it was the touch of his hand, his smile, his Adam’s apple, his laugh that would light up my day and make my heart skip a beat.  I miss the closeness, that indescribable feeling as fingers intertwine with mine.

Now obviously when you love someone it will lead to sexual relations and there is nothing that brings two people closer but it seems today that sex is right up there at the forefront of the conversation when you meet someone, rather than a natural progression through a loving relationship.  I often find myself wondering if I am a dinosaur when it comes to sex; you know, like an older staff member being forced to embrace change in the workplace due to technological advancement.  They like it the way it was and don’t want to change. Is it wrong to value the sanctity of lovemaking? Is it weird to think that giving yourself to someone is the ultimate declaration of how you feel? Am I so out of sync with the new world?

So okay, there are all sorts of sex:

·         One Night Stand

·         Making Love

·         Obligatory sex

·         Avoidance (feigning sleep .. yeah, go on, tell me you have never done that!)

And Oh Sweet Lord, don’t you know it’s “all over Rover” when you stay up watching television or reading a book or working on the computer hoping like hell that your partner falls sounds asleep before you drag your sorry tired ass to bed; I call that

·         Sad Sex

Of course today, we have the whole modern topic of “Friends with Benefits” or as some more eloquently put it “Fuck Buddies”… ah, the romance… Be still my heart! This is

·         Release Sex

... supposedly with no strings attached.  But is it really that simple? Or does it just become habitual?

I know women who claim to be all “down with it” and are happy to just “use” the guy; until, of course, he inevitably meets someone else. Then, as she weeps a river of tears wondering where she went wrong, the truth often reveals itself. You see, deep down in the dark depths of real and open honesty, she was hoping it would develop into more. 

Remember the old saying “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”; well some modern women think it is further South that counts and they think they will win his love through their sexual prowess... RAWR!   But honestly ladies, when it comes to the FWB gig, you are just a body with all the right bits in all the right places necessary for the release required at the time. I wonder what you guys REALLY feel about the girl? 

Can there really ever just be purely physical release with no emotional connection whatsoever in the evolved species? How many Friends with Benefits are we allowed at any given time? What are the rules? Are there any rules?

Call me old-fashioned, I want to be someone’s only. The partner that "gets" them; that shares that special part of them that no-one gets to share; to make them feel things that no-one else can make them feel. Am I a dreamer? I think I probably am.  And this my friends is why I have to take so many god damn long walks!!

This is Bridget Jones, wanton sex goddess, with NO bad man between her thighs *sigh* … signing off “Just As I Am” and “Just As Confused”

© Dianne Traynor 2012

Stop fighting the turns

Meandering aimlessly, the strangest of sensations came over me today like a truth rising up to greet me …

“If we just stop fighting the Turns, we actually feel… happy!”  Who knew!?! Ha ha ha

Taking in the cool breeze; relishing the warmth of the sun, I suddenly noticed how much I appreciated the width of the streets here, the gum trees, the birds, the lake, the fresh air.  City girl born and bred, I’ve lived in Regional Victoria for about ten years now and I’m still “fighting” it; but today, for some unknown reason, instead of spending my energy wishing I was somewhere else, I found myself thinking about all the fabulous aspects of where I am.

So I began to wonder, is it really that simple? If you just stop “fighting” what is; stop wishing you were in another place; stop thinking if you were only someone else; stop aching for that significant other; stopped wanting all the god damn time and started appreciating the upside of what is, would you maintain this somewhat euphoric state of happiness? Now I don’t mean stop dreaming because, for me, dreams are a means to manifesting the “what is” of tomorrow but merely stop downgrading today’s what is.

I considered the notion that perhaps writing, apart from being the absolute best “feel good” part of my day, is slowly transforming my analytical “have to question everything” state of mind.  My pen is like my broom slowly sweeping away cobwebs of the “who I was” that hadn’t really ever found what she was looking for which, of course, was merely a path to becoming even more distanced from who I truly am.

All I can say for sure is that I have spent a day of “Empty Mind”; empty of questions, of wanting what isn’t yet available to me, of self criticism, yet a day of complete pleasure.

“My God I’ve got cuddly bits” became “I think I’ll relax, enjoy the day and go swimming tomorrow”

“I wish I had someone in my life” became “Hhhhmmm, Sex and the City, seafood marinara sounds good”

“I really should wash the car” became a nice long deep nanny nap.

And it feels great.

Coffee on the porch as I write this, I leave you with this final pondering…

Perhaps we can be “Empty” and “Full” at the same time… if we simply stop fighting the turns.

© Dianne Traynor 2012