Waiting for change

Written for those who find themselves feeling overwhelmed as they care for someone - be it an elderly parent, a terminally ill loved one or a disabled child ... you are not alone ...

There comes a moment when you realise you have been sitting, far too long, waiting for change; change that you cannot make happen.  Sometimes those we love and care for are motivated by self interest, perhaps self preservation that we cannot understand, and so they are the mitigating circumstances that cause you to behave differently and you find yourself sitting on a bench wondering what happened to you, where the person you once knew went?

Time has gotten away from you and you find yourself lost in numbness; feelings of helplessness; feelings of guilt at wanting your old life back and your mind bursts with overwhelming questions of why you feel such a failure and when you changed? when you became this person sitting on an icy bench feeling invisible in a crowded place?  Ah, to love unconditionally and support, is this the price?

Eventually though, the bench becomes cold enough to cause you more discomfort than the situation you find yourself in; the lack of family support; the increasing burden of debt with medical expenses or the myriad of other things impinging upon you ...  and you increasingly just don't want to sit there anymore.  You have watched life go by for so long and yet you do not wish to abandon those you care for.  What to do? How to care and not simply walk away whilst not losing yourself? And so your mind begins to question ... again!

In your questioning, you realise the futility in hoping the person you care for will see the damage they are causing because they simply cannot, they are facing their own demons; you realise the pointlessness in being angry with siblings that seem not to care and you accept that will be their cross to bear when the time comes and you decide to stop wasting your precious limited energy being angry at them; you realise you have become isolated through ridiculous feelings of humiliation and self doubt and you feel humbled that there are those who still believe in you; you forgive yourself for the debt that was not of your own doing; you accept you have made mistakes and you own them; you stop apologising and you stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Instead, you look around and see the beautiful flower at the edge of the cold seat; you close your eyes and feel the warmth of a beautiful sun upon your skin; you think of things you can still do despite your circumstances and you reach deep inside yourself and drag out that last fragile remnant of motivation ... and you move ... for whilst there is movement, whilst there is breath, there is hope; hope for a different tomorrow. 

You decide to simply surrender to what is and to believe that the Universe will look after you.  And so you let go, just let go. 

Embrace this moment, it is a step in the right direction.

(c) Dianne Traynor 29 May 2013