Written for those who find themselves feeling overwhelmed
as they care for someone - be it an elderly parent, a terminally ill loved one
or a disabled child ... you are not alone ...
There comes a moment when you realise you have been sitting,
far too long, waiting for change; change that you cannot make happen. Sometimes those we love and care for are
motivated by self interest, perhaps self preservation that we cannot
understand, and so they are the mitigating circumstances that cause you to
behave differently and you find yourself sitting on a bench wondering what
happened to you, where the person you once knew went?
Time has gotten away from you and you find yourself lost in
numbness; feelings of helplessness; feelings of guilt at wanting your old life
back and your mind bursts with overwhelming questions of why you feel such a
failure and when you changed? when you became this person sitting on an icy
bench feeling invisible in a crowded place?
Ah, to love unconditionally and support, is this the price?
Eventually though, the bench becomes cold enough to cause
you more discomfort than the situation you find yourself in; the lack of family
support; the increasing burden of debt with medical expenses or the myriad of
other things impinging upon you ... and
you increasingly just don't want to sit there anymore. You have watched life go by for so long and
yet you do not wish to abandon those you care for. What to do? How to care and not simply walk
away whilst not losing yourself? And so your mind begins to question ... again!
In your questioning, you realise the futility in hoping the
person you care for will see the damage they are causing because they simply
cannot, they are facing their own demons; you realise the pointlessness in being
angry with siblings that seem not to care and you accept that will be their
cross to bear when the time comes and you decide to stop wasting your precious
limited energy being angry at them; you realise you have become isolated
through ridiculous feelings of humiliation and self doubt and you feel humbled
that there are those who still believe in you; you forgive yourself for the
debt that was not of your own doing; you accept you have made mistakes and you
own them; you stop apologising and you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Instead, you look around and see the beautiful flower at the
edge of the cold seat; you close your eyes and feel the warmth of a beautiful
sun upon your skin; you think of things you can still do despite your
circumstances and you reach deep inside yourself and drag out that last fragile
remnant of motivation ... and you move ... for whilst there is movement, whilst
there is breath, there is hope; hope for a different tomorrow.
You decide to simply surrender to what is and to believe
that the Universe will look after you.
And so you let go, just let go.
Embrace this moment, it is a step in the right direction.
(c) Dianne Traynor 29 May 2013
