Ever feel like you're on a spinning wheel and each time you think it's slowing down to let you off, it suddenly jolts and a whole new cycle of the ride starts up? You get so dizzy with decision making and you reach out to grasp a hand because you feel your body can't take much more but the hand is either not there, or it's really not a steady one and lets you go rather than help you.
I'm not sure the mind is designed to cope with constant pressure (or that could just be mine) and so it wanders off seeking escape. You could find it leading you to have one too many cigarettes, an extra glass of wine, doing something out of character, fighting an internal war, erecting barriers of protection that others may see as unreasonable, or even sending pain to a part of your body just to take itself away from itself for a while. In all the madness there will be a little part of you that fights a secret battle to maintain sanity and it will surface every now and again to try and guide you back. In these moments you will write, or play a musical instrument, draw, read a book or just sleep the deepest sleep you can imagine.
When you wake up it will all be spinning again and you will feel like you are on the ride from hell with everything you love seemingly blurred and you ache for stillness, for silence in your head and your head will actually hurt from all the noise like some strange rock concert where instead of jumping and singing and laughing, you sit curled up with your hands over your ears just wishing it would stop. If you know this feeling then I want you to remember something ... if you could only see through the spinning blur, there are thousands of other spinning blurs happening all around you; so many others on a ride similar to your own if not spinning even faster out of control.
Now, out to the side you might see the alternate world where seemingly everyone lives happy, successful, loving lives and you wish you were there; the key observation here is that in the alternate world the colours are defined ... you can see the yellow, the blue, the green BUT it is only when the colours spin, merge and blur that you can see the purple, the indigo, the aqua ... the unusual and the different. You see, without your madness the colours would be defined, but within your madness YOU are defined.
As difficult as it may feel at times, be thankful for the spinning and the blurring. When it stops you will enter a more peaceful existence like that you see out to the side and wish for; the prize for enduring the ride however is that you will take the extra colours with you.
(c) Dianne Traynor
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