Turns that keep you standing still

Termination letter

Dear Anger and Disappointment

It's time for you to leave.  I'm sorry but now you serve no purpose other than to distract me from what makes me happy.  You paralyse me from moving forward and following those passions that bring me joy.

I know you have good reason to exist, there is no doubt about it, but the fact that you exist will not change what or who you wish would change.  Things and people are what they are, and no eruption on your part will even raise a ripple of effect upon them.  So it is best, for me, that you move along.

Oh don't look at me that way!  I will not forget the events that have occurred but I can make a deliberate strike and fling them to the back of my mind, freeing up the bay windows to my heart that you currently occupy.  How strange that in allowing you to visit, you have actually become an accomplice to those that gave you life.

You and I both know your services should only ever have been on a short term contract; and the fact of the matter is, quite simply, you have outstayed your welcome.  Your company has become tiresome; I want a rest from you and your associates.

Thank you for helping through a difficult time and for giving me a voice; it was both necessary and healing, but your work here is done.  As much as you would like to have changed others, you cannot; but you have helped me see things more clearly.  Good job, go enjoy a well deserved holiday.

Yours Sincerely  

(c) Soasm 24 July 2012 

 

Spinning madness, blurring beauty

Ever feel like you're on a spinning wheel and each time you think it's slowing down to let you off, it suddenly jolts and a whole new cycle of the ride starts up? You get so dizzy with decision making and you reach out to grasp a hand because you feel your body can't take much more but the hand is either not there, or it's really not a steady one and lets you go rather than help you.

I'm not sure the mind is designed to cope with constant pressure (or that could just be mine) and so it wanders off seeking escape.  You could find it leading you to have one too many cigarettes, an extra glass of wine, doing something out of character, fighting an internal war, erecting barriers of protection that others may see as unreasonable, or even sending pain to a part of your body just to take itself away from itself for a while.  In all the madness there will be a little part of you that fights a secret battle to maintain sanity and it will surface every now and again to try and guide you back.  In these moments you will write, or play a musical instrument, draw, read a book or just sleep the deepest sleep you can imagine.

When you wake up it will all be spinning again and you will feel like you are on the ride from hell with everything you love seemingly blurred and you ache for stillness, for silence in your head and your head will actually hurt from all the noise like some strange rock concert where instead of jumping and singing and laughing, you sit curled up with your hands over your ears just wishing it would stop.  If you know this feeling then I want you to remember something ... if you could only see through the spinning blur, there are thousands of other spinning blurs happening all around you; so many others on a ride similar to your own if not spinning even faster out of control. 

Now, out to the side you might see the alternate world where seemingly everyone lives happy, successful, loving lives and you wish you were there;  the key observation here is that in the alternate world the colours are defined ... you can see the yellow, the blue, the green BUT it is only when the colours spin, merge and blur that you can see the purple, the indigo,  the aqua ... the unusual and the different.  You see, without your madness the colours would be defined, but within your madness YOU are defined.

As difficult as it may feel at times, be thankful for the spinning and the blurring.  When it stops you will enter a more peaceful existence like that you see out to the side and wish for; the prize for enduring the ride however is that you will take the extra colours with you.

(c) Dianne Traynor  

A turn that takes you nowhere .. and everywhere ..

Tick Tock Tick Tock .. do you ever hear this in your head? And then you find yourself wondering “Where am I supposed to be today that this alarm is going off in my head?” 

I seem to always have so much I need to do and then I meander off into some unknown territory and only achieve half of what I originally intended.  Once upon a time I would have been so busy chastising myself over this; now, I simply think “must transfer that to tomorrow’s page of my diary”

Some things must be done no doubt but then so much that we think “must” be done really doesn’t need to be.  Ask yourself “Will the world stop turning if I don’t do (insert here)?” .. “Will nations crumble because I forgot to (insert here)”?  Do you really think that your own personal agenda items are of that much importance to the Universe? What an over-inflated importance we put upon ourselves at times.  I guess I probably sound like some hippy chick high on the euphoria of flower power right about now to some.  Closer to the truth I am a middle life ex-corporate, dissatisfied, unfulfilled, good-natured, hard-working, misfit but then I kind of like misfits so it’s all good.

More twists of circumstance and Universal turns of fate than a sudden mystical enlightenment have led me to how I now find myself thinking and what/who I am finding important and essential to my daily meander through this life.  If, as I sit myself down to rest of an evening, I can feel I have given of myself to add value to someone else’s day; I have found something ridiculous to laugh at; I have written; I have read; I have achieved perhaps at least one thing on my to do list and I have made someone smile or feel less alone, then I am considering that a pretty awesome day .. job well done! Snaps to me! Ha ha ha

There was a time when I wanted it all – the flash house, the fancy car, the great body, the “important” career , and I got it to a large extent; how strange that I still felt something was missing.  Then there were the countless times that I lost it all through love or stupidity, not mutually exclusive mind you; how strange that this was when I found myself.   Surprise, surprise, life actually went on and, as difficult as it may have been at the time, it did lead me to a new understanding that sits very comfortably with me.  Oh I still like the nice house, the comfortable furniture, the computer, the mobile phone, the (insert here); but now, if you take it all away from me, I simply reach for a pad and a pen and look for a way to manage to stay warm regardless. 

So my early morning wake up call this morning was a smile at the knowledge that I am a lucky girl indeed to now know without any shadow of a doubt that none of the “trappings” define me; nor do they impress me in others. In fact, when I see, hear or read people bragging about their “toys” or “wonder achievements” I actually find it rather boorish.  Share with me your joys, your compassion, your struggles, your moments of appreciation for being here, your pain, your love and I will ensconce myself enthusiastically in your story; brag to me, flash shiny photographs at me, blurb on about how awesome you are or any other generally tiresome endeavour to elevate yourself above the masses, some sad attempt that you may feel superior in some bourgeois way and, oh dear, I feel a yawn coming on.

I guess the upshot for me is that when the Universe decides to throw me another curve ball, instead of feeling “What else? Why me?” – which I still will momentarily because I am only human – but after my self indulgent piteous moment, then I might just sit quietly and ask myself “I wonder how much stronger I will become after this one? How much more centred? What new levels will I reach?” and simply embrace the challenge and look forward to the respective reward that will undoubtedly ensue.

Let’s Twist!

© Dianne Traynor 7 July 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHQ_aTjXObs&feature=related 

The turn that took me home

I could not say that I have always known I wanted to be a writer.  I dabbled at around the age of 30 penning lyrics to a song and commencing a novel, my life story, but the wounds were too deep and the process too painful and so it was shelved.

Scribblings filed, life went on – marriage, child, divorce, partnered, betrayed, partnered, abused and then finally, at age 50, chosen time alone – chosen being the key.  Many strange events took place over the first twelve months, unexplainable things that I will not go into but suffice to say, one day I was literally guided to pick up a pen and write.  And so began the hours; it just came by itself, I would see a photograph and the words would appear; a flower and a thought about life; a breeze would hold a poem and words would come to me in the middle of the night.

I never thought to criticise my writing – everything else, but not my writing - because I did not consider myself a writer; I had no training just an unstoppable need to release the words, a love of expression and a growing desire to write more and more.  

And then one of my poems reached a girl who had been abused as a child and she wrote me, thanking me as she finally felt she was not alone, someone understood, and she had wept for she had been granted freedom from the pain.  And I knew.

© Dianne Traynor